Forgiveness

Paul warns us that unforgiveness and bitterness can wreck our lives and the lives of others (Eph. 4:31; Heb. 12:15). As someone has said, forgiveness is setting a prisoner free and then discovering the prisoner was you. I used to think forgiveness came easy for me, I didn't feel I harbored any anger or bitterness over my childhood abuse. It took quite a bit of counseling to realize that I hadn't really forgiven, I had simply split from my emotions so effectively that I didn't "feel" the anger and bitterness that I had hidden deeply away below the surface. But even though "anger and bitterness" were hidden and buried, they still had a very powerful impact on my daily life, and on the people around me. I first had to believe that I had not deserved all that happened to me, none of it was my fault. As I began to look at myself as a normal, lovable child with value, then look at what my abusers did to that small child, slowly the anger began to surface. This was a necessary step. I was terrified that the anger would overwhelm me, so it took a while for me to let go and trust God to walk with me through it, but God was so patient and tender. The anger surfaced, and there was a lot of it, and I had to keep letting it come until God seemed to say "enough." He even had to identify for me all the people I was angry with, which meant bringing up more memories I hadn't thought about for many years. In the end, choosing to forgive, acknowledging the truth of what I had suffered, made the forgiveness real, not cheap. It also wasn't easy ~ it had to be a process of letting go over time. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling, but an act of the will. As Neil Anderson wrote, “Don’t wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving; you will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made.” I had to acknowledge that it did hurt, it did matter, and I didn't deserve any of it. I think the reason I feel so free and at peace today is because of this step of forgiveness. I found that I had to forgive more than I at first realized. And then I had to deal with anger I felt for God that I hadn't recognized before. I would never want to walk through it all again, but it has been more than worth it to be where I am today. I have learned much about letting go of control, about trusting God. Still more to learn, but I am not who I used to be. I am a new creation. God is more amazing than I ever could have imagined or appreciated before. My heart is so much more capable of receiving the love he has lavished and is lavishing on me. I can't get enough of him. I just want to soak him in like a sponge. If you struggle with forgiveness, I pray you can also come to this place of peace on the other side. God is so very, very faithful.