Layers of an Onion

Sometimes I get to a place where I feel like, wow, I'm glad that's over, and now I'm doing okay. I feel pretty stable. Then *bang* ~ another trigger is hit.

I had a hard time adjusting to the idea of having a granddaughter, not because I don't want to be granny, but because of my wounded heart feeling vulnerable to the pain of risk ~ the risk of loving a precious little girl that I can't protect, the risk of old memories being triggered. And right from the first moment of learning that the baby was a girl triggers have been tripped. Not constantly, but regularly, sort of out of the blue. Once I was walking thru the store looking at baby girl clothes and enjoying myself ~ there are so many cute things ~ when suddenly my thoughts took a turn and I was sobbing my eyes out right there in the store. Each time something like this happens I take time to grieve and to talk things out with God, sometimes with the help of others. My husband is a great help. He is very patient and understanding and gentle. I made a commitment to myself, to God, and to my granddaughter, that I would not guard my heart where she is concerned. I will love her with my whole heart, no matter the triggers, no matter the memories, no matter the pain. And as the triggers come, there is pain. And it isn't quick and it isn't easy, but as I have let the tears flow and taken the time I need to really talk it through with God, I believe I am continuing on my journey of healing. I am not holding back from the pain. It reminds me of the layers of an onion (apparently a very BIG onion). As each layer of hurt is peeled away, there are more and more layers underneath, and onions always bring tears, but each time I am one more layer closer to getting my heart back.

There have been many different things that have set off triggers, and I'm sure there will be many more to come. She is, after all, only 3 months old! It is one thing to trust God for MY healing and to be able to use the pain in MY life to comfort others, but to imagine that my granddaughter might have to walk through the ugly places where I have had to walk, is heavy stuff indeed. I know that trust that is easy is really not trust ~ trust has to be tested or it isn't worth much. This is a hard test ~ do I trust God with my granddaughter or not? I am trying not to see an abuser behind every bush (unless of course there really is one behind every bush). And she has good parents who love her dearly and I know they will do their best, too.

Yes! Lord, I believe...help thou my unbelief. As Twila Paris said in an older song of hers, "I will trust you Lord when I don't know why; I will trust you Lord till the day I die; I will trust you Lord when I'm blind with pain; You were God before and You'll never change." And so, another layer of the onion is being peeled away. How many more layers can there be? (I don't think I want to know.)

By God's oh-so-amazing grace!
From the Rewritten Princess