TRUST

Wow! Trusting ~ really trusting ~ is so hard for me. I have come so far, and I am much, much better at trusting. I have had to learn to trust even myself. To trust my feelings, my hunches, my intuition, my wisdom, my parenting skills, my ability to hear and respond to the leading of the Lord. Probably the hardest thing was learning to trust God (even though I was a Christian), because trusting God means I have to let HIM be in control, which means I CAN'T be the one in control. Wow! That was a hard one. As a child I learned that survival was completely up to me. Emotional survival, physical survival, you name it. As an adult I clung to that habit for years, not letting anyone get too close, always maintaining control of my surroundings and my relationships and ALL things within my "realm." And I found out the hard way that this kind of control actually sets you up for MORE abuse, not less. Because we were not created to live that way. We were made for relationships. We need each other. Okay, I have stopped wearing my mask, I have stopped "splitting," I have let a number of people get inside my walls, and I must admit, though scary, I do like this better. I have found that it is possible to let someone know you fully and not be rejected or humiliated or emotionally trampled. As a result I now have a wonderful support system of friends who hold me up when I need it, counsel me when I need it, pray for me often, and I do the same for them. It's pretty awesome. Even my relationship with my amazing husband has grown into a thing of great beauty.

In this whole process of growth, I have also learned MUCH about trusting God. Why was this the hardest of all? Well, I have learned that He does, indeed, love ME. Not just the world in general of which I am a part, but me individually. I have learned that Jeremiah 29:11 is true. (Look it up!) I have learned that He has been with me from the very beginning, and He has even given me mental pictures of where He was and exactly what He was doing during some of my WORST memories of childhood abuse. So yeah, it has been an amazing, difficult, painful, awesome, wonderful journey.

But today I find I still have some trust issues. I am currently unemployed. I am one who has been pretty much steadily employed since my first job at age 14. My most recent job was one I could do from home, which I loved beyond belief. That job has come to an end, and I find myself 100% opposed to going out to seek another "conventional" job. I want to stay home SO badly. I don't know that we can pay our bills on just my husband's income. We are trying to cut every unnecessary cost we can think of: I cancelled my hair cut appointment and will begin cutting my own hair (which I have done before so it's not impossible); we are cancelling memberships in things like video rental service; we are learning to do without many things we never gave a thought to before ~ we just picked them up; we are consolidating trips into town as much as possible; looking for things we can sell ~ all very good ideas anyway... learning to be better stewards. And at the beginning of August when I received my last paycheck I believed God wanted me to stay home and to TRUST Him for the provision. At the beginning of August that was pretty easy. Now it is almost the end of August ~ the time when I would have received my next paycheck ~ and I find that TRUST is starting to be more of a challenge. DOES God want me to stay home? SHOULD I go out and find a job? If He is saying no, trust me, I will supply, then looking for a job is disobedience and is a step backward in learning to trust. But I don't see HOW we can pay our bills without my income.

I am reminded of a quote from John Eldredge in his book Waking the Dead.

"Wisdom is crucial. But wisdom is not enough. Wisdom is essential . . . and insufficient. Saul of Tarsus was headed to Damascus, 'breathing out murderous threats against the Lord’s disciples,' with official documents granting him permission to arrest all Christians in the city and have them sent to prison (Acts 9:1–2). Now, you and I know that Jesus changed Saul’s agenda rather radically before he ever reached the city—the blinding light, the voice from heaven, the total realignment of his worldview. But the believers in Damascus don’t know all this. As they wait in fear for Saul’s arrival, God speaks to one of them, a man named Ananias, and tells him to go to the house where Saul is staying, lay hands on him, and pray for him. Understandably, Ananias suggests this is not such a good idea. 'Lord . . . I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your saints in Jerusalem. And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name' (9:13–14). It’s okay, God says, he’s my man now. Against wisdom Ananias goes, and the greatest of all the apostles is launched. The Bible is full of such counterintuitive direction from God. Would you counsel a father to sacrifice his only child, the only hope for the promised nation? Certainly, it wasn’t wisdom that compelled a fugitive to walk back into the country where he was wanted for murder, a land where all his kin were held as slaves, march into Pharaoh’s palace and demand their release. Was it reasonable to take a fortified city by marching around it blowing trumpets? What’s the sense of slashing the ranks of your army from 32,000 to 300, just before battle? It was dangerous advice, indeed, to send the young maiden before her king unbidden, and even worse to send a boy against a trained mercenary. And frankly, it looked like perfect madness for Jesus to give himself up to the authorities, let himself get killed."

So... I'm still trying to learn the "wisdom AND revelation" part of trusting God. Right now, I believe God is saying to stay home ~ which of course doesn't mean do nothing and be lazy, but to pursue other things. So, I am staying ~ but I must confess, my knees are shaking a bit.

I appreciate your prayers and your comments.